My baby's birthday

It has been so long since my last post but as I often say, I have been living life. I am pretty good about keeping my facebook updated but those are just quick updates and this is where I share deep. So today is Nathaniel's birthday here in the US. It was yesterday in Korea. I shared it with him by having our morning walk followed by a nap (I normally put him in the crib but I just had to hold him), playing in his room, pick up his sister from school and then lunch with Yaya. We then returned home, danced a little and he napped while furiouly cleaned for tomorrow's party. We later gave him his gift and then I made him chicken pie. Now he is asleep unaware how important these last few days have been. It was this time last year I was wondering is my son born yet, dreaming of fall days with him and waiting... It was also this time last year that his birth family let him go (something I am certain they are reflecting on). On this day I celebrate his time I have had with him but mourn for his birth family and foster family. I sent them photos and letters, but no response yet. Tomorrow at the party during his toljabee ceremony I plan on reading this poem by an unknown author:
Legacy of an adopted child
Once there were two women who never knew each other..
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives, shaped to make Your one…
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent, the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
One gave you up...that’s all she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me, through your fears,
the age old question unanswered throughout the years…
Hereditary or environment… Which are you the product of..
Neither, my darling..neither..
just two kinds of different love
-Author Unknown-

We will also light a candle for our family, his birth family and his foster family.
As for all the events leading to this: more teeth, walking, and finally a letter from Guatemala, I will have to update you later. Time for bed tonight.

Aussie: always remembered, always a friend

It was 6 days ago Sept. 5th that we lost our dear dog Aussie. It was such a painful day but one we knew that was coming. Ever since we got back from the beach she had not been well, limping and showing her age. When we returned home from Korea, a recheck informed us that she had cancer in her bones. Because of her age (12 years) it and the expected outcome we were left with a waiting game. Enjoy her, but offer her peace. Then last Thurs. Joe took her in for a recheck. We knew it wouldn't be good. She couldn't make it up the few steps outside, she had labored breathing, and was eating less (a huge sign for Aussie). Our worst fear was true. We were given til Saturday to say our goodbyes. Friday night I barely slept, waking to hear her breathing and rubbing her ears. But as Saturday came we all felt dread in our stomach, none of us had ever put a dog down. Before she left for the vet I fed her everything bad that she would eat and once craved. But after a few bites she was full. She rolled over and let me pet her ears and rub her belly. Then Joe took her outside. He threw the frisbee to her one last time and she ran after it with one last bit of energy then sat at his feet (a rare case). I sat watching from inside, tears pouring down. Then they left. He returned with her and we buried her in the back yard. as the days have passed I am reminded of her and miss little things most, like her eating crumbs dropped or letting her out or petting her before I go to bed. In the last few years she had become so close to me, which is strange because of our beginning. So here is my story of Aussie: When I first heard of Aussie we had not met. Instead I knew she belonged to this guy Joe. He, a friend, Aussie and my dog wey nt camping. Well my dog Molly returned with a cut from Aussie going after food. I wanted nothing to do with her. Then a few years later I remet Joe. We became friends and I was invited to his apartment. There I witnessed not a dog being trained but a dog training a man. When she wanted a treat, she went to the pantry and barked, he jumped up and got it. They shared a bed, futon and hours of frisbee tossing (she would catch it in the air. As our relationship changed you could tell there was jealousy. There she would try to push me off the couch or push my arm away from his. But we had an understanding. then we got married. Our dogs did not mesh, mine mellow, Aussie fiesty. We went through many years of her eating my underwear, toilet paper, diapers, any type of food in reach, human reach (cake, chocolates, purses, hair things). Then Molly died, a loss that still plagues me and yes it was cancer. I hate cancer. The day she died I cried til I had no tears and Aussie caringly stuck her nose into my hand and stayed there. She aged that day. No more wild Aussie. And that day she warmed my heart, I wish you were here now. She comforted me as I struggled. She was there as we adopted Abigail and she was always a welcome home. We were worried with Abigail but she did great. She allowed Abigail to chase her in the walker, throw a ball and drive her crazy. Abigail's first word was Aussie and one of my favorite videos was of Abigail hold a phone up to Aussie yelling Aussie. They were great friends. I know it will hit Abigail little by little. Now there is no more barking at the UPS man or a need to go out. We took her to the beach this summer and even though she couldn't do much you could tell she was happy to be included. As her last reminder she left behind plenty of fur, crumbs and one last pair of eaten underwear. I found the night after she died. It is to quiet and we are all handling our grief in different ways, Joe keeps it in to himself, Abigail has a tantrum or cries for a minute at night and I am a crying mess. If Aussie could read this I would want her to know you that you were not the dog I asked for but the one I needed and the one I will always miss and love. You were an amazing friend.

Seasons are starting to change

I am starting to see the changes in seasons this weekend. And as I notice less crickets cherping or the faded green in the trees, I reflect on an amazing summer. It is something that was at times hard to see because I was so involved in it. You some times get drug down with the mundane actions such as doing laundry or rushing from one activity to another and later realize it is gone. But gone it is not. It is a memory I hope to always treasure. It started with my commitment to spend time with my family this summer, which I will never regret and will always love Joe for supporting me in doing, to completing our family with Nathaniel. An amazing trip to Korea, filled with fear, quickly turned into a love of the country, it's people and my son. A summer watching my children play and love as if they had always known one another, as if God had said it in a story and it was done. Why I couldn't see it before makes me wonder. A summer of tears for our dog Aussie who was told she had a short time to live due to cancer, has lead to a dog who faithfully carries on and wants to join in, bless you my sweet dog, who knew how much I would grow to love you. A summer filled with making pancakes, swimming at the Y (Aba swam for the first time without any type of saftey gear), playing at the park, playing with friends, blowing bubbles, riding bikes and yes doing housework. It was a summer of reconnecting. Abigail has reached out to her foster family and birth family through a translator in Guatemala who I consider a friend and hope to some day meet. I reached out to old friends, who I had thought about for years, and now can talk to anytime. It has also been difficult at times, teething and sleepless nights with Nate, my grandmother not knowing me, Abigail having 4 year old moments. But all of those seem small, fleeting. I will remember first tooth, pulling up, Abigail spelling her name, camping out, Joe's shows, kisses, tears of joy and most of all a completeness. Abigail asked me yesterday what I always wanted when I was a little girl. And the truth was, you could not have ever bought it in a store. I wanted 2 things, a happy family, the kind that dealt with challenges as a team and celebrated joy as one as well. I also wanted a neighborhood, where neighbors walked and waved. Where if you saw someone you knew, they reached out and gave you a hug. This summer I realized I got my wish. It may have been 27 years after I first wished it, but I have it. And it is not just because I wished it but because of all the love and support of the people who have reached into my life. Thank you all. For now, I am ready for fall, a new season lies ahead, filled with pumpkins, leaves, and the smell of wood burning. I can't wait!

Reconnecting

It has been a week of reconnecting. We sent Abigail's letters to Guatemala last week. I hope they arrive. No news yet. I am nervous. Some things she asked me to write made me smile but others broke my heart, for example when she asked me to write to her birth mother, "Do you miss me?". We will wait and see. I know mail is easily lost or slow there. Nate has been very connected to me this week. I hear Oma often as I here him crawling. All he wants is Oma and to stand. I can't help it I love it. We also put up a gate at the bottom of the stairs after he figured out how to climb under and over the blockaides we had made. I have kept the kids busy visiting friends. First friends in Shelby, today we went to the park, the rest of the week includes parade and the baseball game, all with friends. I also heard from old friends I had missed. It seems they come just at the right time. So thank you all for the phone calls and messages. I have decided it is important to stay connected. It is hard to admit some friendships were nourished or were left but it is good to reconnect. You remind yourself of the great parts of yourself, friends and life. Maybe regaining those. So I am continuing to stay connected, reconnect and make new friends (this is for a shy person when most people think you are an extravert). It is my new mission for me and my family.

So much to say

It has been a few weeks since I posted, but granted we have 2 kids, it is summer and we are busy. In the last few weeks Abigail went camping alone with daddy, which she loved. Joe had a show at the Furniture Mart and the Mast General Store and his students portfolio show. I had a week long stomach virus. Abigail had her gotcha day. And Nate, well he is cruising, saying words and getting into things (love it!). And all this is just a touch of things. Summer is quickly passing us by, so I try to play outside with the kids of do something fun daily. Soon Abigail will be back to Moms morning out and it will just be me and Nate. She is such a huge help. For her gotcha day she asked to spend time with friends and then a dinner with us. So she went to paint pottery with friends and then we took her out for Japanese (her choice) and gave her a charm bracelet. It had a heart on it. We plan on adding charms each year and during special events. She shared to things. She wants to write her birth mom and she likes being called Abbey. I started trying to get in touch with the agency but it has dissolved and no one returned calls. I emailed the attorney's assistant in Guatemala but no response (I found out she has left). Thank goodness a friend of ours had a friend with the translator's contact who I then emailed. He shared he would take it to another guy who could get it to them. She drew a picture of our family and told me what to write. As I am writing she asks the question: "Why did she give me away?" She says this with tears in her eyes. I try to explain she loved her and knew we needed a little girl and she wanted her to have a wonderful home. But as we talked I knew this was just a start. I need better answers til she gets older. I wonder if she will write back? Nate has been great. He has grown. Now 9 months old he weighs 21 pounds 14 ounces and is 27.75 inches tall. Short and chubby. I love it. The kids play and giggle. He has a great spirit. He loves being told ehn ehn, which means no it will hurt you. He squeals. He says Dada, Mama, Aba, Bye, Hi, dog and last night noooo. Joe was trying to feed him garden vegi baby food and he made a yuck face. Joe tried another bite and he yelled Nooooo! It stopped us all and we had a good laugh. He knows what he wants. Tonight we celebrate my grandfather's birthday and I realize each day with my family is precious. So laundry may not be put away or dishes wait a day but family moments are forever. Til next time.

Long nights and new thoughts

Still no teeth, but Nathaniel is suffering at night. We are trying teething tablets and I have taken to sleeping on an air mattress in his room during the week as not to wake Joe. He wakes about 5 times. And some time in the night Abigail wakes from it and rushes in there with me. By the time Joe wakes in the morning we are all exhausted but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am amazed after a hug from daddy they are wide awake and happy. Which is good because you realize you can do a lot with little sleep. Nathaniel has also gotten a lot more adventurous and a big gate has went up in front of the fireplace and the tv. He is crawling quickly everywhere. The funniest thing is when we start a bath. He hears the water running and quickly crawls in there like a lizard. He loves baths. Now for Abigail, it has been ringing home for her. She has started asking about her foster mother and wants contact. I am uncertain if we will get a response (we never have) but I am hoping. I plan on calling the agency this week. I hope she can have a relationship there. My poor little girl needs this. Her gotcha day is this Tues. and she decided she wanted to do something with her friends and then a special dinner with the family. So I am taking them to paint pottery, eat strawberry shortcake or tres leche and getting her a special gift (maybe a locket). Adoption is always a process. I remind my children every day how special they are but I know as they grow they will want more. Know more about their birth family, reach out. I just hope that they will invite me to join them.

On the move

4 weeks ago Nathaniel Seewoo became ours. It feels like he has always been here. In the last week he has learned to crawl (quickly), pull up, and make a shrill happy sound. He is drooling like crazy and sleep has been lacking so I think we are about to see some teeth. We celebrated the 4th a little low key. We cooked out at home then we danced in the kitchen and then Abigail and Nate passed a ball back and fourth. Since then we went to the pool, the bouncy place and got some much needed help from grandma (she stayed a few nights so I could sleep). He now responds to Nathaniel but I like calling him Nathaniel Seewoo. As Joe says he is a mama's boy who always wants to now where I am and his face lights up when I walk into a room. Abigail has been great as well. I am trying to make sure she has friends to play with and special time. I am posting some photos of the 4th with this and some photos we took at Joe's work above.

My Favorite People

Coming out on the other side

Today is 3 weeks from the day Nate was placed in our ours and said here is your son. It has been a busy 3 weeks. He has been introduced to family, friends, coworkers, neighbors. We have started a daily routine. We have been to the Art Crawl, the Y to swim and several Birthday parties for Abigail's friends. But I have two favorite things: one is seeing my two children playing together. Seeing how much they love each other. I hope this is bond they will always have. My other is when I am giving him a bottle alone. He looks up at me, as if to say "it was always ment to be". Sometimes he will stop drinking, grab my hair, open his mouth and give me a huge kiss on my cheek. Last week was a little difficult, he was sick with a cold and an ear infection. I could tell he was grieving as he cried out looking for comfort from something familiar. But as I held him and sang to him as he cried, he began looking to me. I believe this bonded us. So as he came out of this, we were closer. For me, it made me love him more. Two years ago this month I cried in hotel in TX, devistated when I was told we would not have the little one I thought was my son. But now I realize that my true son was not ready. I was not ready. You can't see a future when you are in pain or you are so certain what is your the picture of your future. We I see my peaceful son I know that God sent me what I prayed for years ago, peace....

A week home, joy and sadness

Home a week and there has been a great deal of excitement. We returned and had our baby shower the next day. Abigail had a birthday party to attend, Joe had the art crawl, and Nate just went along like he had always been here. He has grieved a little. Had to adjust to the time difference but seems happy. He likes to moan and sing. No words yet. He scoots around on his belly going after Abigail or myself. He loves to eat. He can never get enough. He did arrive teething (no teeth yet though) and a wax impacted ear (we have to give softning drops for 2 weeks and then have it removed). He hates changing clothes and really only like Joe to change his diaper!!! Yea!! I have loved being a stay at home mom. It is amazing. Abigail has also been amazing. She has been a huge help and a very caring daughter and sister. As a result I have suprised her by letting her get her ears pierced today (she has been begging for months). On a sad not our dog Aussie (Joe had her before we even met) has been limping. We took her back because it was getting worse, meds were not working. It appears she has cancer. If we amputate she may live 4 more months. I am letting Joe decide. It is a tough decision. She is 12. He was so supportive when my dog Molly had cancer that I plan on supporting him in any way. This weekend we are making her comfortable. Abigail and Joe both cried over the news. It brings up old wounds for me but I know we will find the right answer. We plan on getting a second opinion. So quickly a week has went by. You wait forever and then you close your eyes and it is gone. So we must live every moment. Off to live them.

Thurs. in Seoul

Once again I am updating from my journal: So for Thurs. June 11th written early the 12th: It is early Friday 5am. The sun is rising. I have prayed this morning about our son, family, changes and this whole journey. 2 hrs and 4months and our journey ends and another begins. I pray for the foster family as they will hurt, the birth family that they will find peace, for Seewoo, that he will not suffer terribly and will find comfort in us, Abigail, that she will cherish this journey and most of all great thanks for my best friend Joe. I could never have dreamed of a more caring and comforting friend. I pray for peace and acceptance of us and Seewoo. That I will find the way to comfort him. Thanks to all who have and continue to pray for us. Thursday's events: We took the subway to Suwon. It is out of Seoul (23 stops and 1 hr). It was a long ride. As we ventured out of Seoul the signs in English disappeared. Finally we arrived. From there we took a bus to the Korean Folk Village. There were several school groups and I found when they are around we tend to be more exciting to them than the displays. They all take my photo, point and say hello. They are thrilled when I say hello back. It is cute. But it reminds me that I stand out. I only hope that in the US, as my children stand out, that people are as kind. We had many people say welcome and thank us. The village reminded me of across between Williamsburg, Disney Animal Kingdom, and the Zoo in Guatemala. Basically it looked like a primitive reanactment village on a budget. We saw weaving, a traditional wedding ceremony, equestrian trick show, paper making, blacksmith, etc. It is a beautiful setting where you can cross the river by waling on rocks or sit in a temple type shelters (remove shoes) and meditate. Joe loved the photography. We returned back to Seoul and walked the river park, a park along the river below the busul of the crazy streets. I love how the women walk arm and arm. It is so peaceful here. We walked back through Insandong, shopped looked at the street food like peanut butter roasted squid and prepared for meeting our son.

Wednesday in Seoul

Updating my blog with my journal entries: So from June 10th.
I thought I would try to soak up as much culture as possible today and keep myself awake. We woke again in the middle of the night and got ready at 5am. Tried to type notes into my blog but the heat and the office did not open til 9am and closed at 6pm. Had breakfast, got directions to where to catch the city tour bus and set out. We passed the beautiful temple and shops. At one point we were lost and a non english speaking man tried to help. He was right. We made our way down to Cheonggyecheon River. They had flags of countries, a sign saying, "We thank those countries who supported South Korea during the war." They also had a great photo display. After we passed a nice man approached Joe, his english was amazing. He wanted to thank us for supporting South Korea during the war. He was a previous general. I am amazed by his gratitude and wish those that had served could have been there with us. We then boarded the city tour bus. It is an easy way to travel, listen to the headset in your language and get off where you want. We ended up going to the Korean Folk Village (we saw weaving, played games, and walked onto a Kimchi press event). Then to the Seoul tower, didn't pay to go into the tower, instead hiked the mountain. Finally we went to Gyeongbokgung Palace. There we walked onto the changing of the guard. It was so beautiful. Joe went photo crazy. School children sought me out, testing their english and taking my photo. Did I mention I stick out. I almost passed out at 1:30pm, but after a coke I pressed on. We dressed in royal dress and saw the royal family march. The place is huge. By 2:30pm I was starving so I decided to try Korean Food. I ordered a cool chicken salad dish. But arrived as part soup with salad, noodles, chicken and a chunk of cold ice on top. It also came with dill pickles and very spicy kimchi (remember no drink is offered, except a small cup of water). I dove in eating much to Joe's suprise. He order rice cake. But got a rice dumpling stew. He was not as brave. We then headed back to our room. I tried to type the blog, but no air or window made me sick. We then headed ton Insandong Market. Filled with artists, tourist vendors, traditional wares and street food, it was alive with excitement. My Korean speaking returned a little and I enjoyed talking to those I could, and figuring it out with those that I couldn't. Some how translation was not a problem. We bought gifts for family, fiends and Nate. Joe sampled street food and we got the photos the foster mother took developed. We returned to our room. My stomach could not handle Korean food, so Joe went in search of McDonalds (at home I wouldn't touch it)fries. On his way back he watched a monk paint a scroll, who asked Joe for fries and he gave Joe the scroll. This was the highlight of Joe's day. I am falling in love with the people and the peace here. today was an amazing day.

Home

Just got home. Exhausted, awake over 24hrs, hungry for local food but love watching my two kids play together. Sorry I did not write much but I did keep a journal that I plan to add to this blog (getting to the computer was difficult (it cost, was hot and we stayed busy so we did not fall asleep). It is like a dream. I expect Joe to wake me saying, "Julie you are talking in your sleep." But it is true, I have a son. He is kind and loving, a great smile, teething and loves Abigail and she dotes over him. My parents and Abigail met us at the airport and I saw them before they saw me. Abigail ran over, hugging me and her brother (he hugged back) and a flood of tears came out. I had missed her, started bonding with him and dreamt of this day. I will update, I have so much to share about the trip but I want to go play too. Thank you for all the prayers. Any tips on how to stop feeling like you are moving still?

Meeting my son

Still not right with the time zone, I look over the night sky. The day started with us waking at 5 am. We could no longer sleep (time zone and excitement). We quickly dressed and went to breakfast in our hotel. We were greeted with bows which we reciprocated. It was raining today. Not good for my hair, it grows. We allowed two hours to get there. Walked to Anguk Station subway. 1st we had to figure out where we were going. After much confusion and a ton of Koreans rushing by as we bought our tickets and set out. There must be a hundred or more people. We transferred to the 2nd subway line. We tried to follow directions to SWS but there were some missing parts and I never saw the Subway Restruant. Now I was sweaty, red faced. We saw a sign for SWS as we were about to give up. But it was the guesthouse, the man inside walked us to the agency. Up we went in the smallest elevator ever. We were 30 minutes early. We waited. Then Ms. Park said let's go. I asked if we could ask some questions on the way, she said yes, but never talked in the van. We passed the olypic park and the river. 30 minutes later we were there. Ms. Park called to find the way in. As we got off the elevator, there he was. Our baby boy. The foster mother handed him over. We went inside, taking off our shoes at the door. We sat on the floor and she provided us with grape juice, grapes and cherry tomatoes. We exchanged gifts. She got him a habok to wear on his first birthday and a photo album filled with photos ahe had taken. We then asked questions, Ms. Park translated, some was lost in translation. His foster mother is very loving. She had him playing with the gifts we sent. He loves looking at photos of Abigail. He likes to be held and jump. He can't sit up yet (looks drunk), can't crawl, flails on his belly and is teething, expecting a tooth any day. He is happy and curious. We decided to keep in touch. We also decided that we will get him Friday at 2pm (subtract 13hrs your time). I would write more but the computer room is hot. So more in the future. Thank you to all. See him, melted my heart.

Travel

I am updating these a few days late but they are accurate as I wrote it out. So the date should be Sun. Mon.
Exhausted from but I can't sleep. I slept 3 hrs but now at midnight I am tirefully awake. The flight was not bad. The US take off and arrival in NY caused me to about crush Joe's hand out of fear, But the Korean flight was pretty smooth (landing was amazing). It was tight though. I hate that we had to walk past first class (their seats lay down into a bed). Minutes after we started flying the few Korean words I had learned escaped me, or I was intimidated. But the staff was kind and patient. I stood out. We had video monitors that usually worked. About 7 hrs in my legs were killing me and sleep was impossible. I got 2, Joe got 1. We were offered lunch and had our first meal of bimbap. They gave us instructions how to mix it. I avoided the brown stuff which we later read was beef with egg. Joe ate it. The sauce made me sweat, but it was good. Very fragrent. I also tried pickled cucumber. Not for me. Did I mention no drink until after you eat? I could not eat the seaweed soup provided. It reaked of fish, so we passed. You forget everything after being awake 24hrs. We arrived at Icheon Airport. Had our temp. taken (fear of swine flu), went through customs, imigration, got luggage, calling card, exchanged money and got our bus. Many thanks to forum members and nice Koreans who helped. Getting off we were so tired driving in, it takes an hr. We were afraid we missed our stop. But lucky no. The country side reminded me of NC, mountains, ocean, trees, even red clay. The city though was wild with night. Restraunts, 711 everywhere and everyone out. Monks, couples, families. Lights, sounds and smells as you step off the bus. We walked two blocks to our hotel. Check in was confusing (I don't know if it is translation or I am just shakey and tired.) Our room is nice. The boy taking our luggage reminded me where we were. He took off his shoes to place the luggage in the room. Everytime he went to get luggage put them back on again. Joe went and got soda while I packed gifts to meet the adoption agency. I will let him share his own accounts. I hope we can easily navigate the Subway and find our way in the morning. It seems like a dream.

Goodbyes and New Beginnings

Today I said goodbye to my little girl Abigail (she is staying with my parents while we are away). We have never been away this long. I tried to smile and talk about the fun she will have but it kills me to leave her. I broke down crying after they left (I never do this but expect a lot of tears this week). We had tried to make the last 2 days special, science center, swimming, Rita's. It is our last time as a family of 3. I pray that I have made the right choice. That she will be happy, that our baby boy will be happy. Many of you know I am fearful of flying and I pray I get there and home safely. I wonder am I be responsible. Will Nate like me. Will I find my way to the agency. So much unknown and so much fear. Please keep us in your prayers (my whole family). This is my last post til we get there and settled. Thank you to all who have joined us on this journey and wish us well. It makes this so important. Next time I write, I will be in Korea.

Travel Call

We got the call about 10am. We get to pick up our son!!! I am so nervous. We leave Sun. at 9:27am arrive in Seoul 5:35pm Mon. Seoul time (about 13 hrs ahead of us). We will return on the 13th. We arrive in Charlotte at 3:09 pm. We plan on staying at Somerset Palace. Abigail was great while I anxiously made plans. Our baby shower on Sunday the 14th will now be a welcome home party! So much to do, pack, make Dr. appointment, pick up last minute items, bank, etc. But most of all I want to spend some quality time with the new big sister Abigail. She can't wait to meet us at the airport when we return (no she is not going, she is staying with my parents). We will try to update our blog there.

Well, it has been a crazy and amazing few days. Thanks to our agency we are back on track and the mistake by NVC was corrected (it was sent correctly via email). I thought though I would loose my mind Monday. Tuesday Abigail stayed with my parents and my house got a complete cleaning. And today, I officially got to be a stay at home mom. We went strawberry picking, washed the porch and my car although I think we both got wetter than the porch or the car. It was great!! I did not feel rushed and it was fun. It makes waiting for that call easier. Which I expect this week or next. I think being a stay at home mom is amazing and I must thank my husband for allowing me to take on this adventure and also thank him for 7 amazing years of marriage as of this past Mon. I love you Joe.

Last day and shower

Friday was my last day at work. I have decided to be a stay at home mom, thank you to a wonderful husband. As many of you know I have never really done this, so I pray I am good. It is like I am starting my new job Monday. I decided to leave early so Abigail and I can have special time. We all went camping this weekend to celebrate and to revisit the place Joe and I got married 7 years ago. It always relaxes me. Also on another great note, friends of mine are throwing us a baby shower on the 14th. Thank you Staci and Annissa. You guys are great friends. I am so happy we met. Off to learn a little Korean.

A few steps closer but with a question

On May 18th I broke down and USCIS and found out that our I600 was being approved that day. I can honestly say that is when I started to feel it. Feel like it was ok, he is mine. I have a son. I have been hanging onto this fear and pain for 2 years now (as some of you know we tried adopting after Abigail and had 2 failed adoptions). I started to feel my heart and my trust opening just a little at a time. The next day we had our travel meeting. All went well but as usual I had a ton of questions. I started looking at places to stay, reading books and even trying to learn a little Korean. Now we were waiting on our visa approval. We were told wait 10 business days then check on the progress. So Friday I broke down and called at 6:30am. They had no record. All day I fretted. The mail arrived and guess what, we were in the system but instead of Joe's first name listed as Clayton it was listed as Slayton, also Nate's given name was misspelled. But we were approved and the Visa had been sent. So I called the agency but was too late, they were gone. So I am waiting til. Monday. It is only hours away but it feels like forever. Will this delay us? Will we travel sooner? So many questions when adopting.

The nursery is finished!! I am so excited.

I am trying to work on a letter to your foster mother, but how do I put my thanks in a short letter?

Well, my wonderful son, another note. We have been busy cleaning, taking down wall paper and getting ready to paint your room. I am almost ready to send off your care package. I am still nervous. This long wait, it has been a long wait in my heart. I have looked at things for you but not gotten the heart to buy much. But maybe I can get your grandma to go with me and get me excited. I am happy that we got your legals April 21. One step closer. Our I600 is in Charlotte awaiting approval. And lastly I told my boss that the last Friday in May will be my last day working. I want to enjoy my time with you and Abigail. I am also trying to get in better shape. I hope you are healthy and happy and know that you are always in our prayers. We love you.

Referral!!!

It is a few days late, but always them best news, referral! On Monday, I started counting the weeks since our paperwork went to Korea. As I counted each week I got more and more down. It added up to 7 months. We had been told a referral at 6 to 8, and others had gotten theirs. Plus if you recall we started trying to adopt again over 2 years ago. Anyway, I sent my agency an email, just checking in. Took Abigail to the Little Gym. Answered the normal, referral yet, no. Drove home, and as I walked in the door I got a call on my cell, it was the agency. They said how are you doing, we got your email. (I figured they were calling to appease me). Then she said well you have been very patient (not a word I have ever used for myself) and your referral is closer than you think. (At this time I am expecting the typical a few more weeks, by the way Abigail was very quietly playing with magnets at the fridge). She said I don't want you to think we have been sitting on this, but we got your referral this morning. I was in shock. She asked when Joe and I could over everything together via phone and look at the email together. I first said he has a chiropractor appointment (what was I thinking, he would drop that in a second), then I said let me call. I told Abigail and she started smiling with tears saying, "I have a brother!!" Joe was in shock. He dropped the appointment. And arrived at 2:35. (2 and a half hours after the call). This email was sitting there and I did not open it although Abigail said to. We opened it and I swear he makes me think of Joe. Went over everything, talked to the agency, got a ton of paperwork, emailed tons of supporters, called the ped. to look over everything (we would take him no matter what), and took Abigail to swim class. Afterward we registered at Babies R Us. The next day as I tried to ground myself (still in shock and fear) I began filling out paperwork.......
Wens. I finished (I hope perfectly). I mailed it to my agency and having been saying prayers ever since. Did I do everything correctly, will he really be ours, should I start decorating?
They say expect about 4 months to pick up. So here are the details: he was born Oct. 30th, 2008. He already weighs 16 pounds at 5 months 1 week and is 25 inches tall. It my baby boy is Nathanial.

To my future little one: Today is April 1. It has been over 6 months since our homestudy went to Korea. I was certain by now I would have a photo of you, know who you are, and start fixing your room and cooing over clothes. Instead, I am anxious. I jump when my phone rings, keep myself busy and avoid looking at baby items for the fear I will jinx us. Your big sister to be blew out her candles a few weeks ago and wished for you, a second year in a row. As she pronounced it I promised her that you would be sitting next to her next year. I try to show a brave face as everyone says have you gotten the call, trying not to look defeated. I try to not live in the future but I know it will be wonderful with you. I pray for you my darling. Soon I hope to see your face.

I know, I know it has been forever since I posted. Probably for a reason. I can say I have been busy with holidays and going to Disney World, but the truth is I have been trying to hide from the idea of my future little one. For those who have not been on this journey let me explain. Each day you know you are waiting with this recalculating clock in your head. But the truth is you begin to doubt that you will h ave a referral by Easter. That your little one won't be home in time for summer. You start reading online forums wondering where am I on the list for a child. People start asking when, especially after the holidays. So you go in protection mode. You enjoy every moment you have with family and secretly wonder and worry. It always hits you on the computer. So I am keeping busy. Trying new things and reaching out to those I have forgotten or lost over time. But don't worry, there is still hope.