Forever Post

It has been forever since I posted, guess I have just been living life or has life been living me. The past 6 months have gone by as if it were a breeze, at times a storm. So much has changed and I barely know where to start. We have experienced joy: a new dog Cheyenne (an abused golden who has now started to come out of her shell), a walking, talking little man (Nathaniel is a little person, no longer a baby) and an amazing daughter growing up before our eyes, now a girl. Joe has had many successes with his photography, completing his masters, having an amazing show (I am so proud) and gaining praise from all others. I have grown as a person, watching and enjoying my family rather than being in the spotlight (which has been my MO in the past). Now for the storms: illness struck our family. We lost Stanley's grandson, Madison, to cancer in Feb. So sad to see a young child die (it is not realistic to me but death never is). My grandmother's alzheimer's has progressed and my grandfather refuses any action so we are haunted with phone calls, strange actions and a woman who I loved not knowing me or wanting to. My mother takes the brunt of this and I worry for her health. We to have gone through sickness, Nathaniel had a scary case of RSV and we all had the stomach flu when Joe was away.
My final storm has been my daughter's connection to her foster mother. What seemed positive turned into a situation that made us feel a little used. It has broken my heart and I am afraid will some day break hers. I am still holding hope though.
But overall I would say our life has been good. I find during my walks that I can a calm joy in life. I hate that life passes by so quickly and often long for a pause or a rewind button. Can't I go back and relive amazing moments over and over? That would be my super power. Ok before I end this with photos I must give a shout out to all the amazing friends we have. I feel I have some of the best friends I have ever had in my life, so thank you. I am so happy to have new friendships, regained old friends (even if it is only through facebook) and had the opportunity to be there during their breezes and storms. Cause let's be honest friendships and family are only real if you brave it all. Til later, hopefully not 6 months.
Julie

My baby's birthday

It has been so long since my last post but as I often say, I have been living life. I am pretty good about keeping my facebook updated but those are just quick updates and this is where I share deep. So today is Nathaniel's birthday here in the US. It was yesterday in Korea. I shared it with him by having our morning walk followed by a nap (I normally put him in the crib but I just had to hold him), playing in his room, pick up his sister from school and then lunch with Yaya. We then returned home, danced a little and he napped while furiouly cleaned for tomorrow's party. We later gave him his gift and then I made him chicken pie. Now he is asleep unaware how important these last few days have been. It was this time last year I was wondering is my son born yet, dreaming of fall days with him and waiting... It was also this time last year that his birth family let him go (something I am certain they are reflecting on). On this day I celebrate his time I have had with him but mourn for his birth family and foster family. I sent them photos and letters, but no response yet. Tomorrow at the party during his toljabee ceremony I plan on reading this poem by an unknown author:
Legacy of an adopted child
Once there were two women who never knew each other..
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives, shaped to make Your one…
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent, the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
One gave you up...that’s all she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me, through your fears,
the age old question unanswered throughout the years…
Hereditary or environment… Which are you the product of..
Neither, my darling..neither..
just two kinds of different love
-Author Unknown-

We will also light a candle for our family, his birth family and his foster family.
As for all the events leading to this: more teeth, walking, and finally a letter from Guatemala, I will have to update you later. Time for bed tonight.

Aussie: always remembered, always a friend

It was 6 days ago Sept. 5th that we lost our dear dog Aussie. It was such a painful day but one we knew that was coming. Ever since we got back from the beach she had not been well, limping and showing her age. When we returned home from Korea, a recheck informed us that she had cancer in her bones. Because of her age (12 years) it and the expected outcome we were left with a waiting game. Enjoy her, but offer her peace. Then last Thurs. Joe took her in for a recheck. We knew it wouldn't be good. She couldn't make it up the few steps outside, she had labored breathing, and was eating less (a huge sign for Aussie). Our worst fear was true. We were given til Saturday to say our goodbyes. Friday night I barely slept, waking to hear her breathing and rubbing her ears. But as Saturday came we all felt dread in our stomach, none of us had ever put a dog down. Before she left for the vet I fed her everything bad that she would eat and once craved. But after a few bites she was full. She rolled over and let me pet her ears and rub her belly. Then Joe took her outside. He threw the frisbee to her one last time and she ran after it with one last bit of energy then sat at his feet (a rare case). I sat watching from inside, tears pouring down. Then they left. He returned with her and we buried her in the back yard. as the days have passed I am reminded of her and miss little things most, like her eating crumbs dropped or letting her out or petting her before I go to bed. In the last few years she had become so close to me, which is strange because of our beginning. So here is my story of Aussie: When I first heard of Aussie we had not met. Instead I knew she belonged to this guy Joe. He, a friend, Aussie and my dog wey nt camping. Well my dog Molly returned with a cut from Aussie going after food. I wanted nothing to do with her. Then a few years later I remet Joe. We became friends and I was invited to his apartment. There I witnessed not a dog being trained but a dog training a man. When she wanted a treat, she went to the pantry and barked, he jumped up and got it. They shared a bed, futon and hours of frisbee tossing (she would catch it in the air. As our relationship changed you could tell there was jealousy. There she would try to push me off the couch or push my arm away from his. But we had an understanding. then we got married. Our dogs did not mesh, mine mellow, Aussie fiesty. We went through many years of her eating my underwear, toilet paper, diapers, any type of food in reach, human reach (cake, chocolates, purses, hair things). Then Molly died, a loss that still plagues me and yes it was cancer. I hate cancer. The day she died I cried til I had no tears and Aussie caringly stuck her nose into my hand and stayed there. She aged that day. No more wild Aussie. And that day she warmed my heart, I wish you were here now. She comforted me as I struggled. She was there as we adopted Abigail and she was always a welcome home. We were worried with Abigail but she did great. She allowed Abigail to chase her in the walker, throw a ball and drive her crazy. Abigail's first word was Aussie and one of my favorite videos was of Abigail hold a phone up to Aussie yelling Aussie. They were great friends. I know it will hit Abigail little by little. Now there is no more barking at the UPS man or a need to go out. We took her to the beach this summer and even though she couldn't do much you could tell she was happy to be included. As her last reminder she left behind plenty of fur, crumbs and one last pair of eaten underwear. I found the night after she died. It is to quiet and we are all handling our grief in different ways, Joe keeps it in to himself, Abigail has a tantrum or cries for a minute at night and I am a crying mess. If Aussie could read this I would want her to know you that you were not the dog I asked for but the one I needed and the one I will always miss and love. You were an amazing friend.